I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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