i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You know, be my cock's hype man.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
