Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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