I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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