youre lurking in front of me
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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