I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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