Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Randomize
