i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
