If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
