Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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