apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
