i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
