A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
