I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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