he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
