Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
