Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
