I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
