I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
