I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
