I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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