just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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