so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
