I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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