btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
