He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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