Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
