i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
