1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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