Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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