she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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