sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
