when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
