and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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