Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
