First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize