I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
