i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Please don't give away my fajitas
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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