apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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