I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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