remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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