Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
