I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
