Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
