This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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