shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
