dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Panties = found
Randomize
