Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
