Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
