i just wanna soil my oats bro
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
