I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
