Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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