I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
