I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
