did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
