I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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