i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
