Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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